Monday, November 22, 2010

My wish...

The line "...accept the things I cannot change..." has been a BIG challenge for me.  I've had less than a year to 'accept' my dad's condition...we tried, but we cannot change it.  He has 2 cancers...his tumor is growing back...he is in severe pain...he IS going to die.  .

The line "...the courage to change the things I can..." can be equally challenging.  I'm digging deep inside me to understand that altho I cannot 'change' his longevity of life...I can change how he spends the next few days, weeks or months of his life!  I CAN be there...I can visit and make him laugh...I can say that every day he is alive and alert/active, it's a blessing!!!

What I am finding the most difficult is understanding WHY?!  I know we all live our life, KNOWING one day we will die.  We generally don't know when or how.  We hope and pray we live a long, healthy life, and die of old our sleep!  The downfall to dying suddenly is that you don't get to say goodbye to loved ones.  But for many, they DO know when, and how they will die.  It's a painful realization knowing you only have a few days/months left to be with loved ones, but the good side (if that's even possible) is that you have time to say goodbye!

I have accepted my dad's fate.  I don't like it and I cry everyday.  I knew once he was done chemo, that the tumor would grow fast...I just didn't realize HOW fast.  He is on pain meds to deal with the back and belly pain, which is SO severe.  I accept he is dying...but I cannot accept watching him suffer!!!  He has been thru SO much the past year--w/ every step forward, we took 3 steps back!  I dread the fact that this is our last Thanksgiving with him...and my heart breaks for my mom, who has been devoted to him for over 50 years!  How do you accept that?! 

MY WISH is that he can enjoy the Holidays pain free, with his family and loved ones...for him and for his family...WE NEED THIS FINAL TIME!!!

I'm so thankful to every single family member and friend who has reached out to me/ have no idea how much that support means to me!  THESE are the people who are helping me with the "...wisdom to know the difference..."


Anonymous said...

I think what is also hard (at least for me) is the "everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan." I don't understand what reason God has for making your dad and so many others suffer. I guess I'll never understand, but that's the challenge--having faith that there IS a reason and someday we'll know what that reason is/was.

Knowing how close your family is breaks my heart to see all of you go through this. MY wish is that you'll have some final moments in peace with him and the pain will go away in order for him to enjoy this time with his family.


MO said...

Thank you Janet...we are such a close family...and for all of this to happen over the Holidays makes it even harder...esp because we all LOVE the Holidays, and it makes us happy...I got married around Christmas and had the father/daughter dance with a Christmas song by Andy Williams (the most wonderful time of the year) because it was so special to us...and now the Holidays are being scarred for me...last year my dad was diagnosed 2 days before xmas with his cancers...and now THIS...just breaks my heart!!! Thank you for all of your's so nice to vent to someone who has been there!!!

Diana Thomas said...

Yes Maureen that is "The Serenity Prayer."

I found it useful as described Reinhold Neibuhr in 1926 as:

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship
as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did,
this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He
will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be
reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.


Anonymous said...

I pray your wish comes true as I can not imagine how hard it must be for you and your family to see your dad in so much pain. My heart breaks for you!

Love, Tina

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your time with your family Maureen. My thoughts and prayers go out to you at such a difficult time.

Sweet_Life said...

Beautifully said. I can only imagine how hard this is for your whole family.My prayers are for your family.

MO said...

Thanks everyone...I appreciate all your support and prayers!!