There's nothing worse than losing a close friend very unexpectedly, very tragically! You have an array of thoughts and feelings; shock, saddness, anger, denial...but I think Saddness is one that I reflect on the most! To be at such a state of mind, in such a dark place, to have no other choices but to take your life...that, is SAD!
Then of course there's my own guilt feelings...he reached out all the time...and most recently, I did not answer the phone...I got his vm and I texted him back...nice, huh! I couldn't take the time to CALL him, even though he sounded so depressed and sad...probably the EXACT reason I didn't want to call him back, truth be known....I had talked to him so many times prior, and the convos are very down and depressing, that I truly didn't WANT to deal with it...and for that I'm guilty and I'm sorry...not that I could have saved him, but we'll never know. He obviously felt more alone than ever to take this very low road!
What kills me is all those people who now come out of the wood work...all caring, now that he is gone. Esp a few in particular, who act now like they were always there for him, when in fact, he told me himself, they never were. Why couldn't they showed they cared about him when he was HERE ON EARTH!?!
Well, what's done is done. I'm accepting his fate, his decision, and I'm dealing with it. I learned a valuable lesson...take more time for those in need! Rest in peace, RA!!! You will be missed!