Funny Blogger....

OMG, I stumbled across this woman's blog, and completely cracked UP over it...had to share...
FYI...it's VERY graphic....(in a funny way!)
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The STORY: at work the other day, my tummy started rumbling. yep, i needed to poo. i walked down the hall to the one-holer as not perform the walk of shame once i completed my stink fest. i try to keep my smelly toilet deposits in the small bathroom where i can bask in it ALONE. the multi-stalled is fine for #1’s…as the diva says.
i placed my four layers of toilet paper upon the white, pee-stained toilet seat (ugh…that’s a whole other blog). i sat down, adjusted myself oh so carefully, and pulled the toilet paper roll. henh. i realized something wasn’t normal about this particular bowel movement.
i started sweating. i started feeling nauseous. i had to grab the handicap rail.
oh lord! i think i’m gonna die!!!! here it comes…here it comes…somebody SAVE me!!! AAAAGGHHHHH!!!! it burns! my butt, my eyes, my nose. they are on FIRE!!!!! where the hell did somebody find a lighter in a toilet bowl???? my stomach is being ripped apart. did i swallow a badger last night? i can’t breathe! OMG!!! the noise…it sounds like a machine gun under water…no, it sounds like truck stop diarehhea! please tell me no one is in the hall. please tell me no one will wiggle the handle on the door. please tell me no one is running to tell their friends what they just heard in here. i just know they are camped outside the hall to see me exit.
**courtesy flush**
okay…i think i’m alright. maybe? kind of? is it over? just breathe, betty. breathe. get some paper, wipe, and leave. WAIT…OH CRAP!!!! oh crap, it’s churning again. holy moses, here we go again. grab onto something, QUICK!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think the hot poopey soup is hitting the walls…the floors, the ceiling. it is melting the paint off the walls. the rectal geyser has so much force the toilet water is splashing my burning butt…kind of feels relieving…WAIT…that’s dookie water on my cheeks…UGH!!! i need a bath! the smell…dear lord…the smell. i can hardly take it!!! where’s the lysol? crap…i can’t reach it. maybe if i reach over to the sink…oh crap…stop, betty. you’re gonna fall off the crapper. oh, man…the stench…MUST…REACH…SPRAY!!! what is that? dead possum or raccoon??? what crawled up my pooper last night?
**courtesy flush**
please god let this be over. i promise to never eat whatever i ate last night…AGAIN. just let me get out of here sans embarassment. dang-it…where are the wet wipes? where is the maid’s cart? where is my immodium? do i have any boudreaux’s in the jeep? remember….BREATHE….okay, i think i’m finished. oh sh*t!!! somebody’s turning the handle. did i lock it? okay, they walked away. wait, they’re wiggling it AGAIN…”be out in a minute.” dang-it! i shouldn’t have said anything. now, they’ve heard my voice. i’m such a retard! go away, you bathroom stalker…geez! okay, hopefully they’re gone. now, i can finishing crapping in peace. i hear talking in the hallway. GREAT! okay. i think i’m finished, but i’ve got to fix my hair and makeup before i leave. thank the lord i found another roll of toilet paper. i was starting to panic for a minute. the backup roll wasn’t falling down. thank the lord for long fingers!! THANK YOU!!!!
as i exit the bathroom, i literally RUN to my office. i have never had an anal explosion of that magnitude at work. i have never been so freaked out about pooping in my life! thank you lord for letting me get back to my desk before someone saw me. thank you!!!
the culprit? Louisiana’s Red Beans and Rice mix. screw you, Louisana!!! i’ll never buy that packaged stomach hell again!!!